You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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