everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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