I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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