i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
PS: I just woke up from my shower
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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