Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
