I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
