So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
