Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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