if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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