Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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