I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
