dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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