U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
