you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
