someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
