i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize