ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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