you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
