why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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