When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
