jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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