I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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