My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize