You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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