Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
