he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
