my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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