I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
