Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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