i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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