Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She said her name was "party"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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