the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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