Swine flu. Run for my life!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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