I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
