1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
