that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
