I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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