your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
