A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Can you bring me the toilet please
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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