If i could tip my vagina, i would.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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