Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
