I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
accomplished twins. life is a go
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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