My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
