Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
