My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
