i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
