Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
