It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
