Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
