also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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