please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize