i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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