here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
