Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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