Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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