I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
