he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
