i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
