My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
