Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
