Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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