I think my vagina is haunted
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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